Why does the bride wear white?
Because the dishwasher has to match the fridge and stove...puahahahahaha
My grandpa was in the doctors the other day, and the doctor turned to him and said, "I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you have Alzheimers." My grandpa started laughing, and said, "HAHA! At least I don't have cancer!"
A priest is driving down a steep road when he comes upon a crying child. He pulls over and says to the boy, "what's wrong?" The little boy cries, "My mom and dad just fell off the cliff, my dog ran away and I am lost!"
"well," the priest says unbuckling his belt, "It doesn't look like today's your day."
I was at the ATM the other day, queueing for cash. The old lady in front asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
How do you keep the neighbour kids out of your pool?
Molest them.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
There's a plane flying over the Atlantic ocean. The pilot comes on the intercom, and says
"I'm sorry to have to say this, but we appear to be losing fuel at an alarming rate. There is a chance that we won't make it to land."
Everyone starts freaking out, and it quickly degenerates to an extremely tense situation. No one is making a noise, they're all trying to get ready for an inevitable death.
Finally, after two minutes of silence, a woman stands up, and screams, "I don't want to die afraid. Is there no one here that can make me feel like a woman?"
So, a man at the front of the plane stands up. Built, long dark hair, clean shaven... He walks towards her with a confidence that would put normal men to shame. He slowly unbuttons his shirt, and takes it off. He stops a foot away from the womans face, leans forward, and hands her the shirt. He says "Here, iron this."
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
What word beginning with "n" and ending in "r" do you not want to call a black person?
Neighbour.
A priest and a rabbi walk out of a bar. Across the street they see an 11 year old boy.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "look over there, do you see that? Let's go screw that 11 year old boy."
The rabbi replies "out of what?"
In Palestinian culture, Palestinians from the town of Hebron are viewed as the Polacks of Palestinian society. So...
A Palestinian man from Hebron is very depressed and tells some friends that he is contemplating suicide. Word gets out and a local Hamas official hears about it, and he decides to pay the man a visit.
"Brother," says the Hamasnik, "I hear you are very depressed and that you are thinking of taking your life. Instead of burning in hell for the sin of taking your life, why not become a martyr and die with honor for Islam and the cause of Palestine? Your family will be treated as heroes and we will even name a street after you!"
After careful consideration, the man agrees and a few days later is outfitted with a suicide belt and smuggled into Israel.
He approaches a gas station on the road to Tel Aviv and calls his Hamas contact.
"Brother, I am at a gas station. There are 5 Jews here. Should I kill myself now?"
"No brother," the Hamasnik replies. "Find more Jews and call me back."
So the man continues on towards Tel Aviv until he reaches a cafe.
"Brother, I am at a cafe and there are 20 Jews here. Should I kill myself now?"
"No brother," replies the Hamasnik. "No. Find some more Jews and call me back."
Finally, the man arrives at the Central Bus Station in Tel Aviv.
He calls the Hamasnik.
"Brother, I am at the Central Bus Station. There are hundreds of Jews everywhere. Should I kill myself now?"
"Yes brother!" the Hamasnik replies. "May your soul be guided to heaven by Allah! Kill yourself now!"
So he takes out a knife and stabs himself in the stomach.
What do you call a person with syphilis, herpes and AIDS?
An incurable romantic.
A man believes his wife is cheating on him, so he comes home early, to find her laying in bed.
"Why are you home so early?" she asks.
"Where is he? I know you're cheating on me, you bitch. I know he's here."
So, he starts tearing the house apart, looking in the shower, the closets, and eventually ends up on the balcony, and finds a man hanging off the edge.
"There you are you son of a bitch. I'll kill you!" the husband says.
So, he goes inside, grabs the refrigerator, carries it to the balcony, and throws it on top of the man on the balcony. The adrenaline the husband feels causes him to have a heart attack, and he dies.
So, in heaven, St Peter is interviewing people, and the husband watches as the man on the balcony walks through the pearly gates. Then, it is the husbands turn to talk to St Peter.
St Peter asks the husband how he died, and the husband explains in full detail. He is denied access to heaven, and, of course, has to ask why they let the man on the balcony in, as he was cheating with his wife.
"Oh, no my son, he wasn't cheating. He was doing aerobics on his balcony, which happened to be above yours, slipped, fell over the edge, and managed to grab onto your balcony. Less than 10 seconds later, you threw a refrigerator on top of him. You were mistaken."
The husband, crushed that he killed an innocent man accepts his fate to hell, and starts walking out. He passes the man next in line, noticed he was naked, and was intrigued. So, the stopped, and asked "How did you get here?"
"Well, to be honest, I was sleeping with this broad who was cheating on her husband. He came home early, and I had to hide somewhere. The only place I didn't think he would look was the fridge..."
Christopher Alive
What's better than winning gold at the special olympics?
Not being retarded.
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
What did the blind, deaf, crippled little girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
So, I was having sex with my girlfriend the other night, and decided to get a little bit frisky so I stuck it up her butt. She immediately pushed me off, and said "Well that sure was presumptuous of you!", to which I replied "Presumptuous? That's a pretty big word for an eight year old!"
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying.
He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her.
She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss.
She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been fucked before" she says.
So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked"
Why don't Indonesians take showers? They just wash up on the beach. (tsunami reference)
Its christmas morning.. Two brothers wake up at the crack of dawn and run downstairs to open their presents, one boy is 11 and the other is 9. when they get through opening all of the presents the younger brother notices something and says "haha i got WAY more presents than you.. everybody loves me more than you haha haha!" The older brother then says, "No they don't. you have cancer."
Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now Mary takes her lamb to school between two bits of bread.